


Fog

by intoapuddle



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, ii tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 16:51:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17708033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoapuddle/pseuds/intoapuddle
Summary: Dan doesn’t want to perform tonight.He is lucky. He is privileged. He has every reason to love his job.But Dan doesn’t want to perform tonight.





	Fog

Dan doesn’t want to perform tonight.

He is lucky. He is privileged. He has every reason to love his job.

But Dan doesn’t want to perform tonight.

He feels it the moment he wakes up. As if some type of fog has settled around his brain and no amount of self-taught tricks and tools will be able to lift it.

He stays in bed for as long as he can. Coming in and out of sleep, repeatedly, until a knock on his door and a voice saying “ten minutes” pushes him onto his unsteady feet. He doesn’t feel the stress of it. He feels nothing, and while that can be a relief it doesn’t feel good. He stuffs his things into the small carrier bag, brushes his teeth quickly. He puts on a cap and sunglasses as he remains wearing the t-shirt and joggers he slept in. He only pulls a hoodie over his shoulder to keep some warmth as he leaves the hotel room.

He can shower when they arrive, Dan tells himself. He can say he’s tired, give any reason that doesn’t require anyone to pick apart his brain. Dan simply goes through the motions of the day. He goes with the crew and with Phil to the rented van that will take them to the venue. Before they’re fully packed into the car he hears the familiar gasp and shout of teenagers that have recognised them. Phil looks at Dan at that, and Dan looks back. Phil can’t see his eyes through his sunglasses, so Dan simply shakes his head.

Apparently the fog doesn’t lift even when it’s subjected to the people who are, essentially, his boss. He relies on their approval to keep doing what he’s doing. Something that, he tries to remember, he loves. And yet Dan doesn’t care.

Marianne comes to the rescue. She tells the teenagers that they have to get to the venue at a certain time. It’s bullshit. They could easily take five seconds out of their schedule for a quick selfie. Dan doesn’t even feel bad as he takes his seat inside the van and rests his forehead against the cold of the blacked out window.

There is something sharp, making itself know within him as he sees Phil wave at them apologetically before he gets in.

“Sorry, guys,” he says, and Dan can tell it’s genuine. “Will we see you tonight?”

Dan feels his throat tighten as he hears the raw emotion in the two teens’ voices as they respond. They’re so, so thankful only to have spoken to Phil. And despite the near panic and disappointment in their voices they’re trying so hard to be respectful. Thankfully, they tell them they will be attending the show tonight. Dan feels better, but anything he feels is so incredibly subdued they barely count as a conscious feeling. Phil rolls the door closed and settles with a neck pillow as he makes conversation with Marianne who’s sitting in one of the front seats.

* * *

“Did you eat anything, Dan?” asks Marianne after a third attempt.

Phil’s hand on his arm and a gentle nod towards her was what restarted Dan’s brain enough to take in his surroundings again. They’re in the dressing room, and Dan is pretty sure he hasn’t had one coherent thought since they first got inside the vehicle to make their way there.

“Yes,” Dan lies on cue.

“You didn’t come down for breakfast,” Phil reminds him softly.

Dan could come up with anything for the lie to hold ground, but he just shrugs. He can feel Marianne’s frustration but it doesn’t affect him like it usually would. Dan doesn’t take in the silent communication they exchange, but he figures that something must have transpired between them when Marianne leaves and Phil puts his hand back on Dan’s arm to brace him for conversation.

It feels easier when it’s just the two of them. Phil doesn’t have to say anything. Dan takes off his sunglasses and the cap and looks into Phil’s eyes. They’re concerned. Phil appears calm, but his eyes give away the stress before preparation that Dan too should be feeling.

“There’s redbull,” Phil says. “And protein bars.”

Just imagining eating to alter his current state makes Dan’s skin prickle.

“We have a meet and greet in half an hour,” Phil says. “After, sound check, then about an hour to prepare before the show if everything goes to plan.”

Dan sighs. He doesn’t want to perform tonight.

“Sounds good,” Dan says slowly, averting his eyes from Phil’s unwavering stare.

“We need you around for it,” Phil says. “ _I_ need you around for it.”

“I’m here,” Dan says automatically. “I’ll have the food, alright?”

It should be enough reassurance for Phil to back off and leave him be. And yet, Phil stays. He scoots closer to Dan on the dingy dressing room sofa and puts an arm around his shoulders.

They don’t usually touch like this. Not recently. Phil doesn’t usually brush his fingers through Dan’s hair and push him down to rest his cheek against Phil’s shoulder. Dan doesn’t usually let himself go with it. He doesn’t normally pull his legs up over Phil’s lap, with Phil grabbing onto his thigh to keep him there.

“You’re doing well,” Phil whispers, as his hand massages smooth circles over Dan’s scalp. “You can still do this.”

Dan closes his eyes. It’s painful. He doesn’t feel present enough in his body to stop the tears that start to run down his cheeks. He can’t break through the fog long enough to understand why they come. He keeps his eyes closed as he nods. He puts a hesitant hand over Phil’s on his thigh and Phil’s fingers come to intertwine with them immediately. As if this is something they’ve been doing recently. As if it’s not out of the ordinary.

“Take a shower, get some food, and meet me outside in half an hour,” Phil instructs gently. “I’ll postpone the meet and greet a little bit.”

Dan simply nods, and sniffs. Phil pushes Dan’s legs off him slowly and cradles Dan’s face in his hands for a moment.

“Look at me,” Phil says.

Dan opens his eyes. Phil’s face is out of focus. He can’t see well through the wet sheen over his eyes.

“You can do this,” Phil reassures him. “I’ll put the food on the table here and it’ll all be alright.”

Dan nods.

“Thank you,” he says.

Phil lingers. He swipes both thumbs over Dan’s cheeks to wipe away the tears. Dan takes a breath, steadying himself. Phil gives an approving smile before he retrieves his hands, gets up from the sofa, and walks out of the room.

The shower does ground him a bit. Dan puts some product in his hair and hopes that it’ll dry into an acceptable style. He puts on the white shirt and black jeans, hand hovering over the door handle as he’s about to leave the room. He looks back onto the table where Phil has neatly placed the protein bar and the can of redbull. 

Dan walks back. He opens the can and gulps the liquid down too quickly, not thinking. He opens the wrapper of the bar and chews it despite the feeling of every bite growing in his mouth. He does feel his stomach settle a little bit at that. He walks out of the dressing room slowly to keep from stumbling. Every step makes his head spin, and though he still feels distant, it’s making his heart race. It’s about to crack through the fog and launch him into something he doesn’t want to face.

He meets Phil outside, only to be ushered back inside the dressing room with a woman that’s about to put their makeup on. They both stay quiet meanwhile spare for Phil’s polite small talk. Dan keeps his eyes shut as she brushes on the foundation that should smooth out his complexion. The powder and setting spray feels nice, and as he looks into the mirror afterwards he feels a bit more like a person.

The woman fixes up his hair with some spray and it does the trick for his unruly hair. If it was any other day, Dan would feel good about his appearance. But today it does nothing. Dan’s reflection only shows him the sad eyes of a stranger. He finds himself wondering what this conventionally attractive young guy could possibly feel sad about.

The meet and greet is a blur. Dan puts on his social smile, but Phil takes on most of the conversation. Pictures are taken. He has to brace himself for every person’s emotional outburst. Dan does linger in the hugs. He keeps his hand on their shoulder as they speak. He looks into their eyes and reminds himself to smile. He hopes all of that suffices. He hopes that they won’t walk away feeling what he’s feeling.

After, they go through soundcheck. Phil takes the lead again. He tests out both microphones while Dan hangs back, sitting on one of the monitors.

It’s too much. The pressure and anticipation right before performance are shaking him out of his dissociative state. He feels stripped and peeled. It’s painful. He doesn’t have time to brace himself before his shoulders begin to shake. It feels like he’s breathing through a straw. His head spins rapidly and his only thought is: 

_I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to_ fucking _die._

Phil grabs him by the shoulders and there’s a squeal and thump coming from one of the speakers. Some people rush forward and Dan can’t recognise a single face. Not a single one apart from Phil’s.

“He’s not well,” Phil says in a strained voice.

Phil is panicking. Dan pushes him off aggressively, feeling his insides twist.

“I’m alright,” Dan bites back, in the same tone as Phil.

“No,” Phil argues, though his voice goes a bit more gentle. “Stop.”

Phil looks around at the people crowding them.

“Is there someone that can help here? _Please?_ ”

* * *

Dan has a bottle of water in one hand and a pill in the other. Phil’s sitting on a chair beside him as the nurse looks at Dan steadily.

“You were having a panic attack,” she says. “This is for that. You should still be able to perform.”

Dan’s mouth twists.

“What is it?” Dan asks. “I want to know.”

“I was advised against telling you,” the nurse says, glancing at Phil.

Dan sighs.

“You’re going to google things and it’s going to make it worse,” Phil says. “I know you can handle it. I just don’t want you to play any more tricks on your brain. So just take it, for my sake.”

Dan feels the rush of his heart again. Phil puts a hand on his thigh.

“Please,” he says.

It’s said in that lower, private voice he only uses when it’s the two of them. Dan takes a long breath. Then he swallows the pill with the water. If it’s for Phil, then it’s for Phil. Dan doesn’t want to take himself into consideration right now.

* * *

The show goes on through a fog. The only thing the pill did was take him back into it, though his limbs feel looser and his smiles aren’t forced. It’s making him feel a bit loopy. He really hates taking something, especially when they’re abroad. At least they’re in an English speaking country, but it’s still not the same as the comfort in England.

Everything goes on as usual after. Phil pats Dan’s back once it’s over, praising him for how he did tonight. The rest of the crew treat it as a normal day. Dan wants to sleep.

Back at the hotel, Dan feels more like himself. Tomorrow is reserved for travelling. They have the odd fortune of going to sleep in the same bed they woke up in. Some of the others are going to take advantage of the freedom by drinking in the bar. Dan’s been advised not to drink while the pill is still in effect, or twenty four hours after to be sure. He wouldn’t want to, anyway.

Dan gets in his pyjamas in bed with his phone. He scrolls through YouTube and watches a video. He doesn’t want to look at twitter or instagram. It’ll be full of pictures from fans talking about tonight’s show, and Dan wants to pretend it didn’t happen. If he sees as much as a picture of himself he’ll panic again. He just knows that’s what will happen. Even thinking that thought strains his chest.

Half way through the buzzfeed style mind numbing video he gets a notification about a text message from Phil. He opens it despite himself.

Phil: _Can I come to you?_

Dan feels as if he’s about to cry.

Dan: _Yes._

After two minutes, there’s a knock on Dan’s door. He gets up begrudgingly to open it. The bed was a good space. Everything outside of it feels like too much.

Phil pulls Dan into a hug before he says anything. It’s completely dark. The blinds are closed, and all Dan can take in are the arms around him and how good Phil smells. He leans into it. He wants this. He wants to take everything his best friend has to offer to him right now. He hasn’t thought about anything that Phil has done today, but inside his embrace it’s all Dan can feel.

They make it to bed. Phil’s resting his head on Dan’s chest. Their legs are tangled. It feels comfortable. It feels small. It feels like a resort on an island that isn’t a part of the rest of the world.

“I was so scared today,” Phil whispers. “I was so scared you were ill.”

Dan swallows hard.

“Phil,” he says. “I am ill.”

Phil looks up at him. Dan can’t fully make out the expression on his face through the darkness, but he feels nothing but calm from his friend. His friend, who’s lying on top of him in a hotel room bed.

“But you made it through,” Phil says. “You get tomorrow to recoup. You’re not debilitated.”

Dan doesn’t feel like he made it through anything.

“No, you made me push through,” Dan says. “I didn’t do anything other than panic and feel…”

He doesn’t know how to end the sentence. He doesn’t know what he’s felt.

“Bullshit,” Phil counters.

He settles his cheek back on Dan’s chest. Like that’s the end of that. Dan rubs his hand over Phil’s side.

“Phil,” he whispers. “How did you know I was having a panic attack?”

It’s been on his mind since it happened. Dan’s been thinking about how Phil, even hours before then, didn’t question Dan when he didn’t want fan interaction. He didn’t ask anything after, he simply helped out.

“We’ve lived together for nine years,” Phil responds. “I’ve seen you go through worse.”

Tears roll down Dan’s cheeks. Like before, they come before he has a chance to stop them.

“I’m sorry I keep scaring you, Phil,” Dan sobs.

He can’t even recognise his voice like this. All muddled and weak, like a child’s. He turns, pushing Phil off of himself as he puts his hands over his face to keep from making more sounds. There’s a hand on his shoulder, grounding him again. He’s a fucking wreck, and his friend and work partner doesn’t only have to take the short stick of the workload because of it, he has to manage a mental train wreck as well.

“It’s not your fault,” Phil soothes once Dan’s breathing starts to slow back down. “Of all things, _you_ are the last thing that scares me.”

Dan looks back up at him.

“But you said--”

“I said I was scared,” Phil interjects, “ _for_ you. Not _of_ you.”

They go quiet. Phil lies down next to Dan as Dan takes a deep breath and gets his bearings. He’s still astounded by how close and intimate he can feel to Phil sometimes. He doesn’t feel that with anyone else. Physical touch has been off the table for a long time, and today it all came rushing from Phil in a way that Dan couldn’t not accept. It doesn’t have to be like the last time.

“Phil,” Dan says. “Can I kiss you?”

There’s a tremor to his voice as it almost breaks at the last syllable.

“Yes.”

Dan looks at him. Phil looks back. Dan shifts back onto his side. He cradles Phil’s chin in his hand, tipping it up slightly as he leans down to fit their lips together.

It rushes throughout Dan. It feels so right, every time. Every time they have these moments that feel so fleeting and that they never expand upon. Dan doesn’t care.

They end up with their hands inside either person’s pants, rubbing one another until they come. Dan feels effectively more emotional after. He has to keep those lips on Phil’s. He doesn’t want Phil to turn away, he needs more. They may both have finished, but Dan doesn’t feel like he’s properly done.

He’s not done with Phil’s lips or his embrace. He’s not done with all the things that make him feel like part of Dan. It’s not about quick banter and monetised videos. It’s about Phil’s nurture and care when Dan gets like this. Dan doesn’t want there to be time limit on that. He doesn’t want to pretend he only does this so that someone else can make him come.

To Dan’s surprise, Phil isn’t going anywhere. He stays. He breathes with him. He returns every kiss. Eventually, they fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be like last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this to work through my own crap. If you read, I hope it was enjoyable despite that.
> 
> [>tumblr link<](https://intoapuddle.tumblr.com/post/182666660488/fog-rating-mature-word-count-29k-tagswarnings)


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